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  • Ros McMaster

Values = Boundaries. What Are You Worth?

Updated: Oct 30, 2021


“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.” – Brene Brown


After my marriage breakdown, I began to explore, for the first time ever, what my values are, and from this I began to establish strong boundaries. Something that had been missing from my repertoire of necessary life skills for my entire existence. There are responsibilities that go with love and because I had no sense of my values, there were never any consequences for when others went outside my boundaries. Values nil. Boundaries nil. Because I didn't know what my values were, I was easily manipulated by those around me - not only in my love relationships, but in my relationships with everyone around me.


Values influence your decisions, actions, and behaviour. When I was miserable, I blamed others, but in truth, I was miserable because I was unaware that the life I was living was determined by someone else's values, not my own. Here, I've offered a few basic exercises for you to begin to discover what important to you.


The Importance of Boundaries


Setting clear personal boundaries was the key to ensuring all my relationships are mutually respectful, supportive and caring. Knowing my values and setting boundaries has allowed me to set limits of acceptable behavior from those around me. My children, my family, my friends.

Boundaries filter out what is acceptable and what is not. I had relatively poor boundaries. No…. that’s a lie right there. I had no boundaries. Taking on my partners problems and making them my own to made me an easy target to be manipulated, controlled, and used. That’s what happens when you have no boundaries. The reason I ignored my boundaries is multifaceted, but essentially it was related to my belief about being accommodating, my inability to say no, and my need to be liked. The co-dependent love addict.

Clearly, setting healthy boundaries requires you to know what your values are.

Values have been described as your guide, your compass, your true essence, your uniqueness, what you stand for, what matters to you, what’s important to you. You already own a set, but the ones you’re living may not be exactly guiding, helping, and directing you effectively in your life, they could be doing the exact opposite. Without taking the time to clarify your own you can own a mishmash of values, and dearly held beliefs, principles and guidelines handed down and along to you by others.


The Importance of Values


While boundaries filter out what’s acceptable to you, determining what’s acceptable will be guided by the values you hold. If you’re discontent with your life, it may be that the way you are living, or the people you are associating with, is not in alignment with your values. For instance, if you value family time but work 70 hours a week, there’s going to be internal conflict. Your values will likely also change over time as you mature, learn and grow, so a feeling of discontent may be indicative of the need for a reassessment of your values. You may also need to ask yourself if the values you hold are truly yours, or are they the values of your parents, which no longer hold relevance for you?


Life simply flows more smoothly when you’re aligned with your true values. Knowing what your values are helps you to make choices which are in in tune with your hearts desire, with your ‘self’. What is ‘self’? A wise woman once defined Self as the voice that is listening. It’s an apt description and makes you stop and think before acting in every instance. Values are a bit like a monitor to your own behaviour....

Your values may be based on something you are lacking - if you value freedom, you can't obtain it while you are being controlling!

Are you making value choices and setting boundaries based on high self-worth? Or are you being ruled by the voice of self-doubt, where fear and old programming are still running your life?


Exercise Determining Your Values


I’ve included an extensive list of words below to help you think about what your values might be. Go through the list and select all the words that you believe are important to you. Keep in mind, that values will have different meanings dependant on the context. For instance, if I value Freedom, in the workplace this may mean I like the freedom to work autonomously. In my relationships, freedom may be about having a partner who allows me to pursue my hobbies without restriction.


Further, your values are not set. As you grow, your values will grow with you. This is especially true when moving from childhood to adulthood, where the values instilled in you by your culture or parental influences may no longer suit you as an adult.

When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier. Our values are the sum of our value.

In light of this, the next important step is to look at each of your values to determine if they are out-dated or being driven by someone else.


Take it further by thinking about these and ask yourself, are they yours or somebody else’s desires for you.

Your goals and the current path you’re on Your beliefs and opinions  Your idea of success Your fears and dreams


Knowing your values then setting your boundaries will help you to establish what your needs are. If you don’t know what your needs are, how can you ever feel like they’re being met? How can you draw to yourself relationships, friendships, work situations, that are fulfilling? Anytime you are faced with dissatisfaction, you can look at the values you have set, and there is a good chance that your environment is violating one of boundaries. You can’t just set a boundary and recognise when its being violated. Take action! Boundaries are about self-respect and if someone is violating your boundary it’s a deal breaker.

It is ACTION that leads to healing.

From my experience as a counsellor I meet mostly people who want a quick fix. You need to know from the outset that all of these processes take time. It’s important that you make you a priority in your life. Love and honour yourself by giving your healing the time and attention it needs.


VALUE WORDS


A

Ability

Abundance

Acceptance

Accessibility

Accomplishment

Achievement

Acknowledgement

Activeness

Adaptability

Adoration

Adventure

Affection

Affluence

Altruism

Ambition

Appreciation

Approachability

Articulacy

Assertiveness

Attentiveness

Attractiveness

Availability

Awareness

B

Balance

Beauty

Belonging

Benevolence

Boldness

Bravery

C

Calmness

Camaraderie Candour

Capability

Carefulness

Celebrity Certainty

Challenge

Charm

Chastity

Cheerfulness

Clarity

Cleanliness

Clear-mindedness

Cleverness

Closeness

Comfort

Commitment

Compassion

Competence

Complacency

Completion

Concentration

Confidence

Conformity

Congruency

Connection

Consciousness

Consistency

Contentment

Contribution

Control

Conviction

Coolness

Cooperation

Cordiality

Correctness

Courage

Courtesy

Craftiness

Creativity

Credibility

Cunning

Curiosity

D

Daring

Decisiveness

Decorum

Deference

Delight

Delicacy

Dependability

Depth

Desire

Determination

Devotion

Devoutness

Dexterity

Dignity

Diligence

Diplomacy

Direction

Directness

Discipline

Discovery

Discretion

Diversity

Dominance

Dreaming

Drive

Duty

Dynamism

E

Eagerness

Economy

Education

Effectiveness

Efficiency

Equality

Elegance

Empathy

Encouragement

Endurance

Energy

Enjoyment

Enlightenment

Enthusiasm

Excellence

Excitement

Exhilaration

Expectancy

Experience

Expertise

Exploration

Expressiveness

Extravagance

Extroversion

Exuberance

Evolution

F

Facilitating

Fairness

Faith

Fame

Family

Fascination

Fashion

Fearlessness

Ferocity

Fidelity

Fierceness

Financial independence

Firmness

Fitness

Flexibility

Flow

Fluency

Focus

Fortitude

Fluidity

Frankness

Freedom

Friendliness

Frugality

Fun

G

Gallantry

Generosity

Gentility

Giving

Grace

Gratitude

Gregariousness

Growth

Guidance

H

Happiness

Harmony

Health

Helpfulness

Heroism

Holiness

Honesty

Honour

Hopefulness

Hospitality

Humility

Humour

Hygiene

I

Imagination

Impact

Impartiality

Independence

Industry

Ingenuity

Inquisitiveness

Insightfulness

Inspiration

Instinctiveness

Integrity

Intelligence

Intensity

Intimacy

Intrepidness

Introversion

Intuition

Intuitiveness

Inventiveness

Investing

J

Joy

Judiciousness

Justice

K

Keenness

Kindness

Knowledge

L

Lavishness

Leadership

Learning

Liberation

Liveliness

Logic

Longevity

Love

Loyalty

M

Making a difference

Mastery

Maturity

Meekness

Mellowness

Meticulousness

Mindfulness

Moderation

Modesty

Motivation

Mysteriousness

N

Neatness

Nerve

O

Obedience

Open-mindedness

Openness

Optimism

Order

Organization

Originality

Outrageousness

P

Passion

Peace

Perceptiveness

Perfection

Perseverance

Persistence

Persuasiveness

Philanthropy

Piety

Playfulness

Pleasantness

Pleasure

Poise

Polish

Popularity

Potency

Power

Practicality

Pragmatism

Precision

Preparedness

Presence

Privacy

Proactivity

Professionalism

Prosperity

Prudence

Punctuality

Purity

Q

Qualification

Quietness

R

Realism

Reason

Reasonableness

Recognition

Recreation

Refinement

Reflection

Relaxation

Reliability

Religiousness

Resilience

Resolution

Resolve

Respect

Rest

Restraint

Reverence

Richness

Rigor

S

Sacredness

Sacrifice

Saintliness

Satisfaction

Security

Self-control

Selflessness

Self-reliance

Sensitivity

Sensuality

Serenity

Service

Sexuality

Sharing

Shrewdness

Silence

Silliness

Simplicity

Sincerity

Skilfulness

Smartness

Solidarity

Solitude

Sophistication

Soundness

Speed

Spirit

Spirituality

Spontaneity

Spunk

Stability

Stealth

Stillness

Strength

Structure

Substantiality

Success

Support Supremacy Surprise Sustainability Sympathy

T

Teamwork

Temperance Thankfulness Thoroughness Thoughtfulness Thrift Tidiness Timeliness Traditionalism Tranquillity Transcendence Trust Trustworthiness

U

Understanding

Uniqueness

V

Valour

Variety

Victory

Virtue

Vision

Vitality

Vivacity

W

Warmth

Wealth

Wholesomeness

Wilfulness

Willingness

Winning

Wisdom

Wonder

Worthiness


 


Brisbane residents may purchase discounted hard copy directly from Ros $20 pick-up only

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References

Kolb. K Skill Power LLC 2008-2018

http://www.basic-life-skills-made-easy.com/personal-boundaries.html

Barclay, D. Living Moxie.

https://dawnbarclay.com

O’Brien, K. BMG Mindfullness

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13176/6-steps-to-set-good-boundaries.html


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